January 2, 2006 - Sayings
"Your mileage may vary. But then, the fuel is free."
- Joe Strazzere
"Statistics are like bikinis. What they show is interesting, what they hide... essential."
"Be quick, but don't hurry."
"Failing to prepare is preparing to fail."
"Don't mistake activity for achievement."
"Goodness Gracious, sakes alive!"
"Little things make big things happen."
"Intensity makes you stronger. Emotionalism makes you weaker."
- John Wooden
Creationists make it sound like a ‘theory’ is something you dreamt up after being drunk all night — Isaac Asimov
I don’t believe in God. My god is patriotism. Teach a man to be a good citizen and you have solved the problem of life. — Andrew Carnegie
All thinking men are atheists. — Ernest Hemingway
Lighthouses are more helpful then churches. — Benjamin Franklin
Faith means not wanting to know what is true. — Friedrich Nietzsche
The fact that a believer is happier than a skeptic is no more to the point than the fact that a drunken man is happier than a sober one. — George Bernard Shaw
Say what you will about the sweet miracle of unquestioning faith, I consider a capacity for it terrifying and absolutely vile. — Kurt Vonnegut
I believe in God, only I spell it Nature. — Frank Lloyd Wright
Man will never be free until the last king is strangled with the entrails of the last priest. — Denis Diderot
A man is accepted into a church for what he believes and he is turned out for what he knows. — Samuel Clemens
The whole thing is so patently infantile, so foreign to reality, that to anyone with a friendly attitude to humanity it is painful to think that the great majority of mortals will never be able to rise above this view of life. — Sigmund Freud
Religion is regarded by the common people as true, by the wise as false, and by the rulers as useful. — Seneca the Younger
The church says the earth is flat, but I know that it is round, for I have seen the shadow on the moon, and I have more faith in a shadow than in the church. — Ferdinand Magellan
Not only is there no god, but try getting a plumber on weekends. — Woody Allen
It’s an incredible con job when you think about it, to believe something now in exchange for something after death. Even corporations with their reward systems don’t try to make it posthumous. — Gloria Steinem
“If rascals knew how much money could be made in being righteous, they would be righteous out of plain rascality!” - Mark Twain
“A casual stroll through a lunatic asylum shows that faith proves nothing.” - Nietzsche
“I contend that we are both atheists. I just believe in one fewer god than you do. When you understand why you dismiss all the other possible gods, you will understand why I dismiss yours.” - Stephen Roberts
“Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able?
Then he is not omnipotent.
Is he able, but not willing?
Then he is malevolent.
Is he both able and willing?
Then whence cometh evil?
Is he neither able nor willing?
Then why call him God?”
- Epicurus
Roses are #FF0000. Violets are #0000FF.
All generalizations are false.
I don’t suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
“Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.”
“So the urgent drives out the important; the future goes largely unexplored;
and the capacity to act, rather than the capacity to think and imagine becomes the sole measure for leadership.”
- Gary Hamel and C. K. Prahalad: "Competing for the Future"
10 Attributes of Really Lazy People
1. Inability to put forth the effort required to complete any task.
There are 10 kinds of people in this world...
... those who understand binary, and those who don't
Roses are red, violets are blue. I'm a schizophrenice, and so am I.
Failure is not an option...
It comes bundled with the software.
Jessep: You can't handle the truth!
Jessep: Son, we live in a world that has walls, and those walls have to be guarded by men with guns. Who's gonna do it? You?! You, Lieutenant Weinberg?! I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom. You weep for Santiago and you curse the Marines. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know: that Santiago's death, while tragic, probably saved lives. And my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves lives! You don't want the truth because deep down in places you don't talk about at parties, you want me on that wall! You need me on that wall! We use words like honor, code, loyalty. We use these words as the backbone of a life spent defending something. You use them as a punchline. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and sleeps under the blanket of the very freedom that I provide, and then questions the manner in which I provide it! I would rather you just said, "Thank you," and went on your way. Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a weapon and stand a post. Either way, I don't give a damn what you think you are entitled to!
That's why we test.
It's Automated, not Automagic.
Works On My Machine.
Nothing is easy, nothing is free.
Every morning in Africa, a gazelle wakes up.
It knows it must outrun the fastest lion or it will be killed.
Every morning in Africa, a lion wakes up.
It knows it must run faster than the slowest gazelle, or it will starve.
It doesn't matter whether you're a lion or gazelle - when the sun comes up, you'd better be running.
My test script can beat up your source code.
"The pure and simple truth is rarely pure and never simple."
Oscar Wilde
"First get your facts; then you can distort them at your leisure."
Mark Twain
"There are three kinds of lies: lies, damn lies, and statistics."
Benjamin Disraeli
"Then there was the man who drowned crossing a stream with an average depth of six inches."
W. I. E. Gates
If you aren't part of the solution...
you are part of the precipitate.
Welcome to Lake Wobegon, where all the women are strong, all the men are good-looking, and all the children are above average.
- Garrison Keillor
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
I wonder how much deeper would the ocean be without sponges.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
A day without sun shine is like, you know, night.
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Change is inevitable. Except from a vending machine.
You can have an MA and a PhD and still fall for the same old BS
Never argue with an idiot, they bring you down to their level and beat you with experience -- Dilbert
You can't eat fried pride.
You can put your boots in the oven, but that don't make 'em biscuits.
"I've been on a diet for seven days. So far I have only lost a week."
"Some people have a way with words, and others have not way." (Steve
Martin)
An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.
“The firm, the enduring, the simple, and the modest are near to virtue.”
— Confucius
“Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined. As you simplify your life, the laws of the universe will be simpler.”
— Henry David Thoreau
“Simplicity is the peak of civilization.”
— Jessie Sampter
“To simplify complications is the first essential of success.”
— George Earle Buckle
“When the solution is simple, God is answering.”
— Albert Einstein
“We underestimate the power of simplicity. We have a tendency it seems to over complicate our lives and forget what’s important and what’s not. We tend to mistake movement for achievement. We tend to focus on activities instead of results. And as the pace of life continues to race along in the outside world, we forget that we have the power to control our lives regardless of what’s going on outside.”
— Robert Stuberg
“Life is really simple, but men insist on making it complicated."
— Confucius
I can’t remember the last time I forgot something.
“There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.”
William Shakespeare’s Hamlet, Prince of Denmark, Act II, Scene 2
you can always tell an engineer, but you can't tell him much
Here lies our dear friend Johnny,
and Johnny is no more.
For what he thought was H2O,
Was H2SO4.
A friend will help you move, a good friend will help you move a body...
You know what they say – paper doesn’t grow on trees.
Its best to remember one thing when arguing with an idiot. Make sure he is not doing the same thing.
"Ignorance more frequently begets confidence than does knowledge: it is those who know little, and not those who know much, who so positively assert that this or that problem will never be solved by science." --Charles Darwin
There are no dangerous substances, just harmful doses
THE PLAN
In the beginning was the Plan.
And then came the Assumptions.
And the Assumptions were without form.
And the Plan was without substance.
And darkness was upon the face of the Workers.
And they spoke among themselves, saying,
“It is a crock of sh*t, and it stinketh.”
And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and said,
“It is a pail of dung, and none may abide the odor thereof.”
And the Supervisors went unto their Managers, saying,
“It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong,
such that none may abide by it.”
And the managers went unto their Directors, saying,
“It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength.”
And the Directors spoke amongst themselves, saying one to another,
“It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong.”
And the Directors then went unto the Vice Presidents, saying unto them,
“It promotes growth, and it is very powerful.”
And the Vice Presidents went unto the President, saying unto them,
“This new plan will actively promote the growth and vigor of the
company, with powerful effects.”
And the President looked upon the Plan, and saw that it was good.
And the Plan became Policy.
THIS IS HOW SH*T HAPPENS.
Alice: Which direction should I take ?
Cheshire Cat: That depends where you want to go.
Alice: It doesn't much matter
Cheshire Cat: Then it doesn't much matter which direction you take.
There are only 10 kinds of people...
those who understand binary and those who don't.
Would you like fries with that?
Can I supersize this for you?
Regular or Extra-Crispy?
For here or to go?
Paper or plastic?
It reminds me of an old episode of "The Twilight Zone." A stranger arrives at a woman's door and hands her a box with a big button on it. He tells her that if she presses the button, she'll get a large sum of money and someone she's never met will die. After looking at the box for several days, she presses the button, and right away the doorbell rings. It's the stranger with her money. She asks where he's taking the box, and he replies, "Don't worry. I'll give it to someone you've never met."
Learn from the mistakes of others--you won't live long enough to make all
of them yourself!"
You can't make wine from raisins
Defecation eventuates.
Nonconformists are all alike.
Don't laugh at these fogged up windows it's your daughter in here.
If there is a tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy. Other times I let her sleep.
Exxon Suxx.
Flying saucers are real, the Air Force doesn't exist.
I don't care who you are, what you are driving or where you would rather be.
Humpty Dumpty was pushed.
My wife says if I go fishing one more time, she's going to leave me. I'm going to miss her.
My kid had *** with your honor student.
Crime wouldn't pay if the government ran it.
Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggy" until you can find a rock.
Join the Army: Visit exotic places, meet interesting people and then kill them.
I've run out of sick days, so I am calling in dead.
Support your local undertaker—drop dead.
God must love stupid people—he made so many.
If you're happy and you know it see a shrink.
Sometimes I wish life had subtitles.
Moody ***** seeks nice guy for love-hate relationship.
If men had periods, they'd brag about the size of their tampons.
Men aren't pigs...pigs are gentle, cute creatures!
Few women admit their age, few men act it.
Never fight ugly people--they have nothing to loose.
Grow your own dope, plant a man.
Vegetarian: Indian word for lousy hunter.
If money could talk, it would say goodbye.
Thank God for the IRS. Without them I'd be stinking rich!
I'm the man of this house and I have my wife's permission to say so.
This car is like my husband, if it ain't yours don't touch it!
My wife's other car is a broom.
Honk if you hate noise pollution.
I have a problem with drinking... two hands and only one mouth.
A man is not truly drunk until he can't lie on the floor without holding on.
Save California--when you leave, take someone with you.
Carlsbad Caverns: 22% more cavities.
Lost your cat? Look under my tires.
Go on, I'll see you at the next traffic light.
If you think I'm a lousy driver, wait until you see me putt.
If guns are outlawed, only outlaws will accidentally shoot their children.
I still miss my ex...but my aim is getting better!
I have PMS and a gun...excuse me, did you have something to say?
Worry. God knows all about you.
Fight crime, shoot back.
Want a taste of religion? Bite a minister.
I am a slow moving disciple of the Swami Procrastinada.
I'm not tailgating--I'm drafting!
I drive the speed limit. If you don't like it, call a cop!
Back off. I'm a postal worker.
Heaven doesn't want me, and Hell is afraid I'll take over.
Suicide is a way of telling God, "You can't fire me, I quit!"
Strip mining prevents forest fires.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Vote Democrat--it's easier than working!
Vote Republican--it's easier than thinking!
The early worm gets caught.
Sex is like pizza. When it's good, it's really good. When it's bad, it's still pretty good!
Plunder globally. Manage media locally.
Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
Visualize my turn signals working.
Flies spread disease. Keep yours zipped.
Women who seek to be equal with men lack ambition.
The waist is a terrible thing to mind.
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
Sex without partners--charter member.
Mom's Travel Agency--ask about our guilt trips.
Ex-wife for sale. Just take over payments.
Like to travel? Enjoy ***? Take a f*cking hike.
Dysfunctional family on board.
I love cats...they taste like chicken.
What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.
Rehab is for quitters.
Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
Puritanism is the haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.
Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
So many lawyers, so few bullets.
So many idiots...so few comets.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my great uncle, not screaming
and yelling, like the passengers in his car.
I'm not as think as you drunk I am.
The lottery is a tax for people who are bad at math.
I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
Don't steal. The government hates competition.
Wanted: Meaningful overnight relationship.
You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
Beer: It's not just for breakfast anymore.
I got a gun for my wife, best trade I ever made.
So you're a feminist. Isn't that cute!
I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?
I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
Prevent inbreeding: ban country music.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
Warning: Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition.
God must love stupid people, he made so many.
When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.
Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
I took an I.Q. test and the results were negative.
I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic particles.
There are three kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't.
Always remember--you're unique, just like everyone else.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
All men are idiots...and I married their king.
The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.
Your kid may be an honor student, but YOU'RE still an idiot.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Boycott shampoo! Demand the real poo!
Energizer Bunny arrested--charged with battery.
I'm not completely worthless. I can be used as a bad example.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
Horn broken. Watch for finger.
Artificial intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
Veni, vidi, velcro: I came, I saw, I stuck around.
Neutrinos have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic!
If reality wants to get in touch, it knows where I am.
What goes around usually gets dizzy and falls over.
Live simply…so I can have the stuff you don't use!
According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist.
Born free (my father's a doctor).
A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle.
Time is the best teacher. Unfortunately, it kills all its students.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
Learn from your parents' mistakes--use birth control.
The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
Stamp out crime--abolish the IRS.
Old skiers never die--they just go downhill.
Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
I brake for hallucinations.
God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier.
I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit.
I wasn't born a *****. Men like you made me this way.
Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either!
Who were the beta testers for Preparations A through G?
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
Five days a week my body is a temple. The other two, it's an amusement park.
EARTH FIRST! We'll strip-mine the other planets later.
If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.
Save the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes.
Jack Kevorkian for White House physician.
My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her... or something like that.
Sure you can trust the government! Just ask an Indian!
Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.
If we are what we eat; I'm cheap, fast, and easy.
Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!
I love the smell of PRNs in the morning. They smell like ... victory!
Names
Shirley U. Jest
Seymour Butts
Ben Dover
Eileen Dover
Jaques Strap
Carrie Oakey
Bill Tin
Maya Hedhurtz
Anita Bathe
Jose Kanusee
Dawn Wanna
Ira Zign
Mark Mywerdz
Abe Adboy
Jed I. Waryer
Bob N. Weeve
Mike R. Broak
Sheila Rive-Layt
Tom Morrow
May B. Nevver
U. R. Joshen
Sam Budee-Els
Jim Shortz
Will Skippet
Ron R. Round
Ron N. Hyde
Gladys Over
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If Architects worked like Software Engineers
Dear Mr. Architect:
Please design and build me a house. I am not quite sure of what I need, so you should use your discretion.
My house should have between two and forty-five bedrooms. Just make sure the plans are such that the bedrooms can be easily added or deleted. When you bring the blueprints to me, I will make the final decision of what I want. Also, bring me the cost breakdown for each configuration so that I can arbitrarily pick one.
Keep in mind that the house I ultimately choose must cost less than the one I am currently living in. Make sure, however, that you correct all the deficiencies that exist in my current house (the floor of my kitchen vibrates when I walk across it, and the walls don't have nearly enough insulation in them).
As you design, also keep in mind that I want to keep yearly maintenance costs as low as possible. This should mean the incorporation of extra-cost features like aluminum, vinyl, or composite siding. (If you choose not to specify aluminum, be prepared to explain your decision in detail.)
Please take care that modern design practices and the latest materials are used in construction of the house, as I want it to be a showplace for the most up-to-date ideas and methods. Be alerted, however, that kitchen should be designed to accommodate, among other things, my 1952 Gibson refrigerator.
To insure that you are building the correct house for our entire family, make certain that you contact each of our children, and also our in-laws. My mother-in-law will have very strong feelings about how the house should be designed, since she visits us at least once a year. Make sure that you weigh all of thses options carefully and come to the right decision. I, however, retain the right to overrule any choices that you make.
Please don't bother me with small details right now. Your job is to develop the overall plans for the house: get the big picture. At this time, for example, it is not appropriate to be choosing the color of the carpet. However, keep in mind that my wife likes blue.
Also, do not worry at this time about acquiring the resources to build the house itself.
Your first priority is to develop detailed plans and specifications. Once I approve these plans, however, I would expect the house to be under roof within 48 hours.
While you are designing this house specifically for me, keep in mind that sooner or later I will have to sell it to someone else. It therefore should have appeal to a wide variety of potential buyers. Please make sure before you finalize the plans that there is a consensus of the population in my area that they like the features this house has.
I advise you to run up and look at my neighbor's house he constructed last year. We like it a great deal. It has many features that we would also like in our new home, particularily the 75-foot swimming pool. With careful engineering, I believe that you can design this into our new house without impacting the final cost.
Please prepare a complete set of blueprints. It is not necessary at this time to do the real design, since they will be used only for construction bids. Be advised, however, that you will be held accountable for any increase of construction costs as a result of later design changes.
You must be thrilled to be working on as an interesting project as this! To be able to use the latest techniques and materials and to be given such freedom in your designs is something that can't happen very often. Contact me as soon as possible with your complete ideas and plans.
PS: My wife has just told me that she disagrees with many of the instructions I've given you in this letter. As architect, it is your responsibility to resolve these differences. I have tried in the past and have been unable to accomplish this. If you can't handle this responsibility, I will have to find another architect.
PPS: Perhaps what I need is not a house at all, but a travel trailer. Please advise me as soon as possible if this is the case.
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"You are the weakest link. Goodbye."
All your bug are belong to us.
"I do wish we could chat longer, but I'm having an old friend for dinner." Hannibal, Silence of the lambs
Is that your Final Answer?
Help, I'm on-line and I can't log off.
Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.
Thomas A. Edison
It is better to know some of the questions than all of the answers.
James Thurber
The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.
Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
"All right, but apart from the sanitation, medicine, education, wine, public order, irrigation, roads, the fresh water system and public health, what have the Romans ever done for us?" Reg, Life of Brian
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes.
That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have
their shoes.
- Unnamed Source
There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.
Douglas Adams
Technology is dominated by two types of people: those who understand what they do not manage, and those who manage what they do not understand.
Putt's Law
I was going to buy a copy of The Power of Positive Thinking, and then I thought: What the hell good would that do?
Ronnie Shakes
After all is said and done, a lot more will be said than done.
Unknown
Always remember, you are unique - just like everyone else.
Why do we need a hot water heater? If it's hot it doesn't need to be heated.
How can we have jumbo shrimp?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Why do our noses run and our feet smell?
Why does quicksand work slowly?
Why are boxing rings square?
Why, when lights are out, they are invisible, but when the stars are out, they are visible?
Why do we call them apartments when they are all together?
If cows laughed, would milk come out of their noses?
Why does Denny's have locks on the door if it's open 24 hours?
Why do ships carry cargoes and cars carry shipments?
When will a building actually become a built?
The man who says he is willing to meet you halfway is usually a poor judge of distance.
Laurence J. Peter
Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
Unknown
1. Quotes on Testers
I have to start testing. After all, I need some sleep.
A bug is what a tester gets when he gets tired of thinking.
For every developer, there is an equal and opposite tester.
To tell somebody that he is wrong is called criticism, to do so officially is called testing.
You never really learn to swear until you begin a testing career.
90% of the people in the world are below average. The rest are testers.
If at first you don't succeed, put it out for beta test.
Crime doesn't pay... does that mean testing is a crime?
Sign on testers' doors : Do not disturb. Already disturbed!
Testers who seek to be equal to developers lack ambition.
Testing is like news. Same ****; different day.
Testers are free of prejudice. They hate everyone equally Testers take a lot of pain to test. They also pass it on to others.
Testers and developers : they make an extraordinary team. One is extra and the other ordinary
Definition of a tester: A sophistical rhetorician, inebriated with the exuberance of his own verbosity, and gifted with an egotistical imagination that can at all times command an interminable and inconsistent series of arguments to malign an opponent and to glorify himself.
Every tester has basically one joke. And he's it.
How many testers does it need to change a lightbulb ? None. It is the developers who do the dirty work. Testers will just point out whether it is screwed up or not.
"If debugging is the process of removing software bugs, then programming must be the process of putting them in."
Sometimes it pays to stay in bed on Monday, rather than spending the rest of the week debugging Monday's code."
You start coding. I'll go find out what they want." — Computer analyst to programmer
3 Biggest Software Lies:
• The program's fully tested and bug-free.
• We're working on the documentation.
• Of course we can modify it."
If a program is useful, it will have to be changed. If a program is useless, it will have to be documented
God, grant me the Senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones that I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference. Now that I'm older, here's what I've discovered. . . . .
1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.
3. I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
5. All reports are in; Life is now officially unfair.
6. If all is not lost, where is it?
7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
8. Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.
9. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few...
10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
11. Accidents in the back seat cause...kids.
12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
13. Only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the
bathroom.
14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my
knees.
15. When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to
play chess?
16. It's not hard to meet expenses...they're everywhere.
17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter...I
go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm here after.
P.S. If I already sent this to you before, please see #4 above.
You can fool too many of the people too much of the time.
James Thurber
Not only is life a *****, it has puppies.
Adrienne E. Gusoff
The reason lightning doesn't strike twice in the same place is that the same place isn't there the second time.
Willie Tyler
Special Topics in Mathematics Math 180-01
Fuzzy Sets, Numbers and Logic
Course Information
A midterm will be given around mid term.
The final will be given around final time.
Homework will be assigned fairly regularly.
The midterm and final each will normally count as a substantial part of the grade.
The homework will not be insignificant in counting as part of the grade.
An excellent final will result in a somewhat excellent grade.
Solid work in two of the three areas, midterm, final and homework, will result in a solid grade.
Good homework will offset poor exams somewhat.
Your grade will be a fuzzified linguistic bureaucratic terminological value.
If you don't understand this by the end of the quarter, your grade will reflect it.
"The Twelve Bugs of Christmas"
For the first bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
See if they can do it again.
For the second bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the third bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the fourth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the fifth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the sixth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the seventh bug of Christmas, my manager said to me
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the eighth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the ninth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the tenth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
Change the documentation
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the eleventh bug of Christmas, my manager said to me :
Say it's not supported
Change the documentation
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
For the twelfth bug of Christmas, my manager said to me:
Tell them it's a feature
Say it's not supported
Change the documentation
Blame it on the hardware
Find a way around it
Say they need an upgrade
Reinstall the software
Ask for a dump
Run with the debugger
Try to reproduce it
Ask them how they did it and
See if they can do it again.
Quotes from Woody Allen
And in all of Babylonia there was wailing and gnashing of teeth, 'til the prophets bade the multitudes get a grip on themselves and shape up.
As the poet said, "Only God can make a tree"— probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
At the opera in Milan with my daughter and me, Needleman leaned out of his box and fell into the orchestra pit. Too proud to admit it was a mistake, he attended the opera every night for a month and repeated it each time.
By love, of course, I refer to romantic love—the love between man and woman, rather that between mother and child, or a boy and his dog, or two headwaiters.
Capital punishment would be more effective as a preventive measure if it were administered prior to the crime.
Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.
Death should not be seen as the end, but as a very effective way to cut down expenses.
Don't knock masturbation—it's *** with someone I love.
Eighty percent of success is showing up.
Her figure described a set of parabolas that could cause cardiac arrest in a yak.
How am I immature? Intellectually, emotionally, and ***ually. Yeah, but in what other ways?
I am at two with nature.
I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.
I can't listen to that much Wagner. I start getting the urge to conquer Poland.
I do not believe in an afterlife, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.
I think being funny is not anyone's first choice.
I think you should defend to the death their right to march, and then go down and meet them with baseball bats. (On the KKK)
I took a speed reading course and read War and Peace in 20 minutes. It involves Russia.
I was thrown out of there during my freshman year, for cheating on my metaphysics final. You know, I looked within the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick—not wounded—dead.
I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.
If it turns out that there is a God, I don't think that he's evil. But the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever.
If Jesus Christ came back today and saw what was being done in his name, he'd never stop throwing up."
If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.
If you don't fail now and again, it's a sign you're playing it safe.
I'm not afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
I'm so excited—I think today I'm going to brush all my teeth.
In the event of war, I'm a hostage.
Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought—particularly for people who cannot remember where they left things.
It is impossible to travel faster than light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off.
It is no secret that organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year. This is quite a profitable sum, especially when one considers that the Mafia spends very little for office supplies.
It's impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.
It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.
I've never been an intellectual but I have this look.
Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.
Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering—and it's all over much too soon.
Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, *** raises some pretty good questions.
Marriage is the death of hope.
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
More than any time in history mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total extinction. Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly.
My brain? It's my second favorite organ.
My ex-wife was a philosophy major at NYU. Yeah, she and I used to have deep philosophical discussions where she would prove that I didn't exist.
My only regret in life is that I wasn't born someone else.
My wife is immature. Whenever I take a bath, she sinks my boats.
No matter how cynical you are, you can't keep up.
Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.
Nothing worth knowing can be understood with the mind.
Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it.
Sex between a man and a woman can be wonderful, provided you can get between the right man and the right woman.
Sex between two people is a beautiful thing—between five, it's fantastic.
Sex is dirty—only when it's done right.
Sex without love is an empty experience, but, as empty experiences go, it's one of the best.
The difference between *** and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.
The great roe is a mythological beast with the head of a lion and the body of a lion, though not the same lion.
The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.
There are three things Jewish people worship—God, Chinese food and wall-to-wall carpeting.
There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.
To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.
Today I saw a red-and-yellow sunset and thought, How insignificant I am! Of course, I thought that yesterday, too, it rained. I was overcome with self-loathing and contemplated suicide again—this time by inhaling next to an ********* salesman.
What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?
When I was in school, I cheated on my metaphysics exam: I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Whosoever shall not fall by the sword or by famine, shall fall by pestilence so why bother shaving?
Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?
Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.
You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.
"There are three things I absolutely can't stand. The first is hypocrisy. Another is people who don't finish what they start."
If all economists were laid end to end, they would not reach a conclusion.
George Bernard Shaw
Some weasel took the cork out of my lunch.
W. C. Fields
"*** on tv is bad, you might fall off..."
Bart Simpson
7G08 None - Christmas Special
7G02 I will not waste chalk
7G03 I will not skateboard in the halls
7G04 I will not burp in class
7G05 None
7G06 I will not instigate revolution
7G09 I will not draw naked ladies in class
7G07 I did not see Elvis
7G11 None
7G10 I will not call my teacher "Hot Cakes"
7G13 Garlic gum is not funny
7G12 They are laughing at me, not with me
7G01 I will not yell "Fire" in a crowded classroom
7F03 I will not encourage others to fly I will not fake my way through life
7F02 Tar is not a plaything
7F04 None - Halloween Special
7F01 I will not Xerox my butt
7F01 It's potato, not potatoe
This was used for the second airing of 7F01 (a reference to Dan Quayle's gaff while visiting a school)
7F05 I will not trade pants with others
7F08 I am not a 32 year old woman
To put it another way, Nancy Cartwright is not a 10-year-old boy
7F07 I will not do that thing with my tongue
7F06 I will not drive the principal's car
7F09 I will not pledge allegiance to Bart
7F10 I will not sell school property
7F11 I will not cut corners
It actually looks like this: I WILL NOT CUT CORNERS " " " " " " " " " " " "
7F12 I will not get very far with this attitude
7F13 I will not make flatuent noises in class
7F15 I will not belch the National Anthem
7F16 I will not sell land in Florida
7F14 Repeat of 7F10
7F17 I will not grease the monkey bars
7F18 I will not hide behind the Fifth Amendment
7F19 None
7F20 I will not do anything bad ever again
7F21 I will not show off
This was written in an "Olde English"-style font
7F22 I will not sleep through my education
7F24 I am not a dentist
8F01 Spitwads are not free speech
7F23 Nobody likes sunburn slappers
8F03 High explosives and school don't mix I will not bribe Principal Skinner
8F04 I will not squeak chalk
Bart squeaks the chalk while writing this
8F05 I will finish what I sta
This appears on one line; the rest is blank
8F02 None - Halloween Special
8F06 "Bart Bucks" are not legal tender
8F07 I will not fake rabies
This never appeared in original airings in the USA, but did in Canada
8F08 Underwear should be worn on the inside
8F09 The Christmas Pageant does not stink
8F10 I will not torment the emotionally frail
8F11 I will not carve gods
8F12 None
8F14 I will not spank others
8F16 None
8F13 I will not aim for the head
8F15 I will not barf unless I'm sick I will not expose the ignorance of the faculty
Lisa has a blackboard punishment of sorts during the episode; she has to clap erasers
8F17 I saw nothing unusual in the teacher's lounge
8F19 I will not conduct my own fire drills
8F20 Funny noises are not funny
8F21 I will not spin the turtle
8F22 I will not snap bras
8F23 I will not fake seizures
8F24 This punishment is not boring and pointless
8F18 My name is not Dr. Death
9F01 I will not defame New Orleans
New Orleans complained about the opening song in "Oh, Streetcar!"
9F02 I will not prescribe medication
Originally, the FOX showings had no chalkboard for 9F01 and the New Orleans one for 9F02, while Canadian showings had them as listed
9F04 None - Halloween Special
9F03 I will not bury the new kid
During the episode, Marge wrote "I will try to raise a better child"
9F05 I will not teach others to fly
9F06 I will not bring sheep to class
9F07 A burp is not an answer
9F08 Teacher is not a leper
9F09 Coffee is not for kids
Each line becomes less and less legible; the last line is a scrawl
9F10 I will not eat things for money
9F11 I will not yell "She's Dead" during roll call
9F12 The principal's toupee is not a Frisbee
9F13 I will not call the principal "spud head"
9F14 Goldfish don't bounce
9F15 Mud is not one of the 4 food groups
9F17 No one is interested in my underpants
9F16 I will not sell miracle cures
9F18 I will return the seeing-eye dog
9F20 I do not have diplomatic immunity
9F19 I will not charge admission to the bathroom
9F21 I will never win an Emmy
This was the first episode after 1992-93 Emmy nominations were announced, the first time the show was eligible for "Best Comedy Series", but it wasn't nominated (the show had won "Best Animated Show" Emmys in the past)
9F22 The cafeteria deep fryer is not a toy
1F02 None
1F01 None
1F04 None - Halloween Special
1F03 None
1F05 None
1F06 None
1F07 All work and no play makes Bart a dull boy
This was not written "line by line" like the others
1F08 I will not say "Springfield" just to get applause
1F09 I am not authorized to fire substitute teachers
1F11 My homework was not stolen by a one-armed man
A reference to "The Fugitive"
1F10 I will not go near the kindergarten turtle
1F12 None
1F13 None
1F14 I am not delightfully saucy
1F15 Organ transplants are best left to the professionals
1F16 The Pledge of Allegiance does not end with Hail Satan
1F18 I will not celebrate meaningless milestones
This was first used for the 100th new episode
1F19 There are plenty of businesses like show business
1F21 I will not re-transmit without the express permission of Major League Baseball
1F20 Five days is not too long to wait for a gun
1F22 Beans are neither fruit nor musical
1F17 Repeat of 9F17
2F33 I will not use abbrev.
2F01 I am not the reincarnation of Sammy Davis Jr.
2F02 None
2F03 None - Halloween Special
2F04 I will not send lard through the mail
2F05 I will not dissect things unless instructed
2F06 I will not whittle hall passes out of soap
2F07 Repeat of 1F11
2F08 Ralph won't "morph" if you squeeze him hard enough
2F09 Adding "just kidding" doesn't make it okay to insult the Principal
2F10 "Bagman" is not a legitimate career choice
2F11 Cursive writing does not mean what I think it does
2F12 Next time it could be me on the scaffolding
2F13 I will not hang donuts on my person
2F14 I will remember to take my medication
2F31 None
2F15 I will not strut around like I own the place
2F18 The Good Humor man can only be pushed so far
2F19 I do not have power of attorney over first graders
2F32 Nerve gas is not a toy
2F21 I will not mock Mrs. Dumbface
2F22 The First Amendment does not cover burping
2F16 This is not a clue...or is it?
In this episode, there are clues that are supposed to reveal who shoots Mr. Burns
2F20 I will not complain about the solution when I hear it
In this episode, the shooter (see 2F16) is revealed
2F17 "Bewitched" does not promote Satanism
3F01 No one wants to hear from my armpits
3F02 I am not a lean mean spitting machine
3F03 The boys room is not a water park
3F04 None - Halloween Special
3F05 Indian burns are not our cultural heritage
3F06 None
3F08 Wedgies are unhealthy for children and other living things
3F31 I will only do this once a year
...which is once a year too many for clip shows
3F07 I will stop talking about the twelve inch pianist
3F10 I am not certified to remove asbestos
3F09 None
3F11 None
3F12 None
3F13 None
3F14 None
3F16 None
3F15 None
3F17 None
3F18 None
3F19 None
3F20 None
3F21 None
3F22 None
4F02 None - Halloween Special
3F23 I did not learn everything I need to know in kindergarten
4F03 I am not my long-lost twin
4F05 None
4F06 None
4F04 None
4F01 None
During the episode, Lisa writes "I will not be a snickerpuss." (complete with period)
4F07 None
3F24 None
3G01 The truth is not out there
A reference to "The X-Files"
4F08 I am not licensed to do anything
4F10 None
3G03 I will not hide the teacher's Prozac
4F12 None
4F11 I will not lie in front of the school bus with ketchup on my face
Actually, this episode had no blackboard opening; Jason Fox drew this in the comic strip "FoxTrot" on the day this episode premiered - I just want to see who is "borrowing" my lists while removing things like the notes (and my name)
4F14 None
4F13 None
4F15 None
4F09 None
4F16 A fire drill does not demand a fire
4F17 None
4F18 None
4F19 None
4F20 None - Simpsons Spin-Off Showcase
4F21 None
4F22 None
4F23 None
3G02 I no longer want my MTV
5F02 None - Halloween Special
5F01 Everyone is tired of that Richard Gere story
5F03 I did not invent Irish dancing
5F04 None
5F05 I will not tease Fatty
5F06 There was no Roman god named "Farticus"
5F07 Rudolph's red nose is not alcohol-related
5F24 None
5F08 None
5F23 Shooting paintballs is not an art form
5F11 None
5F10 Pain is not the cleanser
5F12 Silly String is not a nasal spray
4F24 None
5F13 I was not told to do this
3G04 My butt does not deserve a website
5F14 I will not demand what I'm worth
A reference to the holdout of the cast for more money
5F15 None
5F09 I will not mess with the opening credits
This appeared in place of the couch opening; the rest of the family runs into the classroom
5F16 None
5F17 I am not the new Dalai Lama
5F18 I was not the inspiration for "Kramer"
This was first shown three days after the last episode of "Seinfeld"
5F20 None
5F21 I will not file frivolous lawsuits
5F22 None
AABF01 The Simpsons Halloween Special IX
This was painted on the board in blood with a large brush
5F19 "butt.butt" is not my E-mail address
Originally, "butt.com" appeared in place of "butt.butt", but it was changed as butt.com is an actual web site address; however, "butt.com" still appeared in Canada
AABF02 No one cares what my definition of "is" is
Which is not quite true in President Clinton's case
AABF03 I will not scream for ice cream
AABF04 I am not a licensed hairstylist
AABF05 "The President did it" is not an excuse
This was first shown the day after President Clinton became the first elected President to be impeached (Andrew Johnson, the only other President to be impeached, became President because he was Vice-President when Lincoln was killed)
AABF06 My mom is not dating Jerry Seinfeld
AABF07 Sherri does not "got back"
AABF08 I will not do the Dirty Bird
The "dirty bird" is the "celebration dance" of the Atlanta Falcons, one of the teams in the 1999 Super Bowl
AABF09 No one wants to hear about my sciatica
AABF11 Hillbillies are people too
AABF10 Grammar is not a time of waste
AABF12 Repeat of 9F20
AABF13 It does not suck to be you
AABF14 I cannot absolve sins
In the Moses story, Bart carves "I Will Not Deface" (actually, "I Well Knot D-Face") in hieroglyphics
AABF15 A trained ape could not teach gym
AABF16 Loose teeth don't need my help
AABF17 I have neither been there nor done that
AABF18 Repeat of 3F01
AABF20 I am so very tired
AABF23 Fridays are not "pants optional"
AABF22 Pork is not a verb
AABF21 I am not the last Don
BABF01 None - Halloween Special
AABF19 I did not win the Nobel Fart Prize
BABF02 I won't not use no double negatives
BABF03 Repeat of 3F05
BABF05 I can't see dead people
A reference to the movie "The Sixth Sense" (coincidentally, Haley Joel Osment, who played the boy in the movie who could see dead people, was at one time the voice of Curly on "Hey Arnold!", which was created by Matt Groening's brother-in-law)
BABF07 I will not sell my kidney on eBay
Unlike most, if not all, of Bart's other blackboard quotes, this one was not all caps (the "e" in "eBay" was small); also, Lisa wrote "I will not do math in class" during the show
BABF04 I will not create art from dung
A reference to an art exhibit in New York City that included a portrait of the Virgin Mary splattered with dung
BABF06 I will stop phoning it in
BABF08 Class clown is not a paid position
BABF09 Substitute teachers are not scabs
BABF10 My suspension was not "mutual"
BABF11 A belch is not an oral report
BABF12 Dodgeball stops at the gym door
BABF13 "Non-Flammable" is not a challenge
BABF14 I was not touched "there" by an angel
BABF16 I am not here on a fartball scholarship
BABF16 I will not dance on anyone's grave
BABF18 I cannot hire a substitute student
Openings for Syndicated Episodes Blackboard Openings Shown in Syndication Originally by Don Del Grande Maintained by Chad Lehman 7F06 I will not sell school property (originally from 7F10/7F14) 1F08 I will not say "Springfield" just to get applause 1F15 Organ transplants are best left to the professionals 1F17 No one is interested in my underpants 1F18 I will not celebrate meaningless milestones 1F21 I will not re-transmit without the express permission of Major League Baseball 1F22 Beans are neither fruit nor musical 2F01 I am not the reincarnation of Sammy Davis Jr. 2F04 I will not send lard through the mail 2F06 I will not whittle hall passes out of soap 2F09 Adding "just kidding" doesn't make it okay to insult the Principal 2F10 "Bagman" is not a legitimate career choice 2F11 Cursive writing does not mean what I think it does 2F12 Next time it could be me on the scaffolding 2F15 I will not strut around like I own the place 2F16 This is not a clue...or is it? 2F17 "Bewitched" does not promote Satanism 2F18 The Good Humor man can only be pushed so far 2F19 I do not have power of attorney over first graders 2F20 I will not complain about the solution when I hear it 2F21 I will not mock Mrs. Dumbface 2F22 The First Amendment does not cover burping 2F33 I will not use abbrev. 3F01 No one wants to hear from my armpits 3F02 I am not a lean mean spitting machine 3F03 The boys room is not a water park 3F05 Indian burns are not our cultural heritage 3F07 I will stop talking about the twelve inch pianist 3F08 Wedgies are unhealthy for children and other living things 3F10 I am not certified to remove asbestos 3F31 I will only do this once a year 4F03 I am not my long-lost twin 4F08 I am not licensed to do anything 4F19 I did not learn everything I need to know in kindergarten (originally used in 3F23)
But the fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown.
Carl Sagan
Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.
Rita Rudner
Never mistake motion for action.
Ernest Hemingway
Last night I stayed up late playing ***** with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
Stephen Wright
The world is full of willing people, some willing to work, the rest willing to let them.
Robert Frost
"It was once thought that a million monkeys typing at a million keyboards
would one day reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the
internet, we know this is not true.
If you cannot convince them, confuse them
Harry S. Truman (1884-1972)
Save the whales - collect the whole set !!!
P.S. --What it would look like if we took Q & R out of the alphabet
Time is that quality of nature which keeps events from happening all at once. Lately it doesn't seem to be working.
Anonymous
"Personality goes a long way" (Pulp Fiction").
"It is bad luck to be superstitious."
"For every complex problem there is an answer that is clear, simple, and wrong."
-- H.L. Mencken
Douglas Adams:
"Time is an illusion. Lunchtime doubly so."
George Will:
"Football is a mistake. It combines the two worst elements of American life. Violence and committee meetings."
The Ultimate Law:
"All general statements are false."
Ken Olson, President, Digital Equipment, 1977:
"There is no reason for any individual to have a computer in his home."
"Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice."
"I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous."
Larry Hardiman:
"The word "politics" is derived from the word "poly", meaning 'many',
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