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Introducing Testalis

08:31, 2008-Oct-10  ..  Posted in Warped Humor  ..  0 comments  ..  Link

Do you suffer from Testile Dysfunction? Are you no longer invited to Requirements or Design Review meetings because you ask important questions – questions where the responses are typically, “No customer will ever do that?” – Or – “Please confine yourself to testing and let us handle the design”? Are you depressed because every software build exposes R&D test neglect? These issues can lead to a serious condition known as Testile Dysfunction (TD), a condition in which you lose your enthusiasm for testing and all related test engineering activities. TD reduces your level of readiness when you are ultimately called upon to execute tests.

 

Could you be ready for that moment when that moment is right? When R&D hurls the next application build over the wall-of-distrust and all the developers run for shelter – could you be ready?

 

Testalis® might be right for you.

 

Testalis® can restore your enthusiasm for your role. Only you can decide if Testalis® is right for you. Before taking Testalis®, ask your test engineering lead if you should proceed with functional and regression test activity and be sure to tell your test engineering lead about any angst you may have with R&D and all soured relationships with R&D. Don't take Testalis® if you take Tiagra® as the combination can cause a sudden, rapid rise in defect-discovery output and clog your organization’s defect-handling process.

 

Testalis® for daily use remains in your body for as long as you take it. Tell your test engineering lead about all medications, especially if you are going to attend any formal requirements or design review meetings, so your test engineering lead can be aware of potential review meeting conflicts.

 

Do drink alcohol in excess with Testalis®, as this will increase your funness, increase the illegibilty of your defect reports so they are rejected and thus bring you back into defect-discovery norms. Testalis® does not protect against intimately transmitted diseases, if engaging in these types of activities during testing. The most common side effect with Testalis® is too rapid of output of defect reports. Business and R&D complaints accompanied this anomalous behavior.

 

As with any TD tablet, in the rare event of testing enthusiasm lasting more than 10 hours, seek out and imbibe multiples of the nearest alcohol beverages of choice in order to exude an increased level of funness, thus offsetting the ability to construct a coherent defect report.

 

In rare instances, test engineers taking prescription Testile Dysfunction tablets (including Testalis®) reported a sudden interest in stepping down their careers to developing software. It's not possible to determine if these events are related directly to the Testile Dysfunction tablets or to other factors. If you have a sudden interest in developing software for a living, stop taking any ED tablet, including Testalis® and call your shrink right away.

 

TESTALIS IS NOT FOR EVERYONE.



Defect Report - Politically Correct

05:51, 2008-Aug-21  ..  Posted in Warped Humor  ..  0 comments  ..  Link

I think defect report writing is significantly behind the rest of the politically correct world in terms of:

1.       The political correctness movement, and

2.       Having sufficient side-steps to the growing-in-popularity line-dance known as "side stepping the far-less-costly to-the-point and hard truth".

Please do feel free to adopt this template and style.

DEFECT TITLE/DESCRIPTION:   GEM NAME:

Main Snow-ski Product Combination List is operatively challenged.

SEVERITY:   Mister Dodgers Smile Intensity Level:

3 of 5 JJJJJ

PRIORITY:   Challenge-change deadline:

During the next episode of Mister Dodgers.

DETAILS:    REFLECTIONS:

I wonder if we could sit down JJ and discuss the version 2.1.1 rendition of subject? Please let me know of a convenient time for you. I will arrange to have a Happiness Facilitator (HF)  present.

It appears that the list correctly includes JLLLLLLLLL 10% of our product line, thus reflecting a mild change L from the previous application version where the list was complete. A query of the ski product table in the database exposes a complete list. J I wonder if it would make sense for the application to completely agree L with the database and include the other 90%? Perhaps this is simply a matter that the SRS needs to change in order to reflect the as-built software?

STEPS TO REPRODUCE DEFECT: PATH OF SMILEYS – INLCUDING INVERTED SMILEYS:

With a (HF) present let us share smiles as follows:

1.       J Launch the application.

2.       JJLook to the HF to capture HF’s emissions of happiness.

3.       JJFrom the main product category list, select Winter Sports Gear.

4.       JJLook to the HF to capture HF’s emissions of happiness.

5.       J Observe the presence of the Snow-ski Product Combination List. It looks very nice.

6.       J Open the Main Snow-ski Product Combination List.

7.       L Observe the operatively challenged list of skiing products.

8.       JJLook to the HF to capture HF’s You-Are-Special emissions of happiness.

 



Performance Testing Vuser Personas – Part I

09:25, 2008-May-30  ..  Posted in Warped Humor  ..  1 comments  ..  Link

If you are offended by lack of correctness, please change channel!

After years of performance testing I have discovered that simulated users have character and history.

Vuser Name

Character Observations

VU 5

Always leaving the performance “party” and attempting to get to pentagon.com

VU 6

Has designs on VU 9.

VU 7

Usually the first to start and finish assigned work. Always has http-200s and never a http-500.

VU 9

Has designs on VU 6.

VU 101

Is gender-confused.

VU 110

Is a twin of VU 101 and just as confused? Is considering surgery but unsure of which

VU 211

Always robbing others of performance data.

VU 302

Is always deflecting questions about his performance.

VU 401

Is an incurable burglar always attempting to break in somewhere.

VU 500

Is always asking the wrong questions.

VU 503

Busted for embezzling other Vusers, trying to improve his own performance.

VU 1740

Always whining about global warming and never contributes to a solution. Turns any conversation into global warming.

VU 11357

Is a big fan of narcotics and addicted. Has been busted several times.

Stay tuned for Part II.



Redneck Dictionary (PG-17)

05:41, 2007-Jun-16  ..  Posted in Warped Humor  ..  2 comments  ..  Link

I am a big fan of the Blue Collar Tour, Mssrs. Foxworthy, Engvalls, Cable Guy, and Mr. White. Having lived in both Georgia and Texas, I can relate. This page is intended to collect content that just didn't make it to the Blue Collar Tour for one reason or another. The reason is probably obvious to all but me! Hennywaze theez iz mah uh-rijjunulz!

Red Neck Word or bad Redneck pun

Usage

600-Horse Cummins

Cummins (tm) of

Cummins Inc.

Y'all taayk uh lissin nau, ya ear?

Abandon

Thanks to Peter at SQAF for the inspiration!

Ray: "Billy Bob, ya goin ta thuh ferrgrounz tonaght?"

Billy Bob: "Dunno, thay got A Band On thuh skaydjul?"

Anticipated

Bobbie Joe: "Joey Hon, we jis gotta threttnin late raynt notus?"

Joej Bob: "Dang it. Hull I dun thawt Aunt Tessie Payt It?"

Asphalt

Y'all taayk uh lissin nau, ya ear?

Asinine

Y'all taayk uh lissin nau, ya ear?

Automate

Y'all taayk uh lissin nau, ya ear?

Buttermilk

Y'all taayk uh lissin nau, ya ear?

Calcium

Dude 1: "Hey y'all. Calvin dun runned ober n skwished t' nayburs cats."

Dude 2: "Wuhl - dint Cal See 'Em befur skwishin 'em?"

Castrated

Bootz: "Dang Sammy wut you 'n Cass do, git wun uv those axstreem backyurd make overs?"

Sammy: "Yee-uh, we dun hooked up wiff Slick and Cass traded all arr old stuff fer new."

Engagement

Y'all taayk uh lissin nau, ya ear?

Enron

"Yeuh, 'emz jis lack all em utthers, tayk the money En Run."

Euthanasia

Earl: "Johnny, howzat forinn exchainj student wirkin out fer ya? Eez frum Chiner - raht? Wutz he wannuh do fer hiz lahf?"

Johnny: "I thank he sed sumpin' about makin wurld moozik to reprahzent all dem Yooth 'N Ayzha."

Harrison

Y'all taayk uh lissin nau, ya ear?

Herbicide

Y'all taayk uh lissin nau, ya ear?

Illegal

Shakes: "Hay Bobby, lookee over thar in thuh corner at that tayme raptor?"

Bobby: "Hyell I dint knowed you knowed enny big wurdz?

Ya'all still uh dummy Shakes. Haint no tayme rapter.

Thass jis wun Ill Eagle."

Intimidated

Janks: "Hay Ra-ay, ya dun seen that Sally Ma-ay sints she bin back in town? She dun gotta bout a duzzin offspring in tow. I member yall n Timmy used ta vie fer her eye."

Ray: "Yep, I 'N Timmy Dayded her wayh ba-ack."

Issues

LY'all taayk a lissin nau, ya ear?

Luckenbach, Texas

Dude 1: "'em cops in Tekzis, ya gotta watch fer em."

Dude 2: "Yeuh, ya best be Lukkin Back over yer shoulder all the time."

Mayhem

Bobby: "Hay Bawss, thaym jeenz uh yorz lookin lahk thayz 'bout reddy to trip yooz up.

Arthur: "Bobby, u gud wiff a so-in asheen, yooz Maay Haym 'em ifn ya wunt."

Maple Syrup

Rattlin' Roy: "Ray whar thuh hyell you 'n May been. Hyell, we dun ayt all thuh q-barbs and drunk up all the beer?"

Ray: "Whuh we dun ended up washin cars at Billy's Pump 'N Git Outta Here stayshin to pay our dang gas bill? Afore that, me 'n May took good ole Betsy Buick out for a ride. Whuh azz we wuz goin by "Billy's Pump 'N Git Outta Here", ole Betsy spat 'n sputtered like grampa chokin' on his chaw. Betsy was dang near runnin' on fyoomz. So,  May pulls Zer up  to a pump jis in time? We done pumped bout fitty bucks 'n checked arr finantzes? We dun had 2 bucks atween us?"

Menopause

"Sallie Billie Raye, you need chayhnge them shorts ta cover yo-uw butt cheeks afore ya wok to thuh store by those construction may-hn?"

"Hwhy ayz tha-aht Eddie?"

"Cuz I think ya wunt thayz attenchin. Ya-aw know dang wail whay-n yoo walk by, those Men Aw Pawz whut thayz doin and stare at yo behind.

Miserable

(double entendre)

Url: Abel, you bin luking down fer weeks sints yer waf n dawg lift yah.

Abel: Yeah, that dawg layin at my feet durrin footbawl games wahl smellin stake n potadoz cuz thuh wafs cukking em up... sigh

Url: Wahl it shur seems lak yuh Mizz Er Abel?

Millimeter

"Roy, ya dun seen Suzee laytlee?"

"Yee-uh, mee 'n Millee Meed Hur evree daay fer lunstch. Affer her uh dawg tuk off wit da nayburr'z dawg, she n need uv cumpinee."

Nuisance

Dint: "I dun tull ya Shank, liddul Tank Bottoms haint so liddul enny morz."
Shank: "Yee uh, I dun noticed Bottoms dun got bigger. Hyell, Bottoms I knew sints he wuz knee-high to a grasshopper and cud fit in wun cheer.

Paragon & Regatta

Duff: "Herb, you ain't lookin to good today. You lookin like a hawg jis dragged you through ten miles of mud?"

Herb: "I ain't feelin too good. Me 'n Ray bumped into Jessie 'n Roy thuh other night? We dint know that that Pair Uh Gawn off and dun got married. They tole us 'n we decided to have a reception at my place? So Ray Gotta couple kegs of beer and I whipped up some fast fried chicken and we done celebrated?"

Paranoid

Rattlin Roy: "Shank, hay luk whooz luntchin ober tharr. Itzuh Saydee n Diff. Laytz go joyn em."

Shank: "No litz jis leeuhve. I dont tayk kahndly to em. Tha-at

Pair Annoyed me too dang menny taimz."

Railroad

Flint: "Hey Herb we gonna run aground on them rocks in about a minute. Grab them oars n start paddlin."

Herb: "Can't. Can't ya see I gotta beer in each hand n my fishin pole atwixt my knees? Why dontcha wake Ray? Ray'll Row D' boat."

Rational

Herb: "Ellis, you lookin mahtee rayd n scratchy?"

Ellis: "Yee-huh, I dun got that poison ivy Rash On All of my arms n chayst?"

Residual

Herb: "Whan yew 'n Lantz gonna be here? Roy dun tole me that Ray sed yew  all be stoppin' by today?"

Testosterone

Y'all taayk uh lissin nau, ya ear?

Stay Tuned!

Blue Collar Comedy Site



Aging Report 2007 and Questions

10:09, 2007-Jun-8  ..  Posted in Warped Humor  ..  0 comments  ..  Link

I feel that I may have reached another plateau in life in terms of age. RichW (of SQAForums), you were supposed to give me a heads up on this stuff!

I once saw a research report that said all cells (or was that molecules) are replaced in the body every seven or eight years. Why the hyell do I have the same wrinkles that I had 8 years ago? Does this mean there are exceptions? Anyway, I thought I should list my concerns and ask some questions...

  • Creaking: My joints creak. My wife keeps WD-40 with her when we go out into public.
  • Buicks: I now salivate when I see one.
  • Younger female teammates: I now call them "Hon".
  • Hair:

Who decided the hair on the top of my head should depart for southern pastures and why? I used to keep a moustache trimmer. Now I use a nasal and ear hair trimmer. If I trim the heavily forested nasal area, am I compromising part of my immune system? Do older dudes need these natural filters to compensate for loss of body defense elsewhere?

What about my heavily forested ears? If I trim those, then I can hear my wife and those comments about selective hearing diminish. But then I can hear more of my offspring’s music playing – stuff I really wouldn’t call music??

This past spring I would step outside and a bunch of chickadees would swarm my ears. Were they thinking my ear hair was good raw material for their nests? 

Why do individual eyebrow hairs reach down and wrestle with my eyelashes?

Why do I wear out razor blades faster than previously? Is it because I must now include the surface of my nose? Who designed my nose? I have heard that it is a quite large piece of real estate. Was the designer thinking that more real estate equals more profit potential?? Hyell, I sure cannot seem to sell off any parcels.

  • Attire: Why do I browse this site?
  • Athletics: Why am I hoping that RichW (of SQAForums) will invite me to join his outdoor shuffleboard team? I can hit a home-run Rich!
  • Vitamin-supplements: Why does the word "Silver" attract my eye?
  • General stuff:

Why do companies promise me that they can ship me diapers to my front door – diapers in inconspicuous packaging?

Why is mail mailbox stuffed with assisted living brochures?

Why do I feel embarrassed to listen to The Four Seasons with other people around?



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Performance Testing Vuser Personas – Part I
Happy Holidays 2007
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