Systems & Software Talk 

Politically Correct SQL

I had a nightmare recently. The "Me Generation" principles were transformed into a computer virus. In that nightmare the “Me Generation” virus forced change to the ANSI SQL standards. The virus propagated such that database engines would only execute “Me Generation” SQL with a Valley twist. A simple ANSI SQL query such as below would no longer execute.

SELECT Column1, Column2

FROM Table1

WHERE Column1 = "MyFilter"

ORDER BY Column2

In this nightmare the “Me Generation” virus required that the above query be rewritten per below in order to execute properly.

PLEASE LIKE SELECT WHEN YOU_ARE_LIKE_FINISHED_WITH_YOUR_

      _LIKE_PERSONAL_TELEPHONE_CALL Column1, Column2

FROM LIKE Table1

      IF YOU_CAN_LIKE_SPARE_A_MOMENT

      AFTER _WHICH_YOU_CAN_LIKE_RETURN_TO_YOUR_PERSONAL_MATTERS

AND YOUR_LENGTHY_LIQUID_LUNCH_IS_COMPLETE_ALONG_

      _WITH_YOUR_LIKE_TANNING_BOOTH_SESSION

AND YOU_ARE_LIKE_SATED

AND YOU_ARE_NOT_LIKE_INCLINED_TO_UTTER_"OMG"

AND THIS_PROCESSING_REQUEST_DOES_NOT_LIKE_ELECTRICALLY_SHORT_

      _THE_TANNING_BOOTH

AND YOUR_PARENTS_OR_LIFE-COACH_ARE_OKAY_

      _WITH_YOUR_EMPLOYER_ASKING_YOU_TO_DO_WHAT_YOU_WERE_HIRED_TO_DO

WHERE IT_WOULD_BE_LIKE_NICE_IF_YOU_WOULD_LIKE_CONSIDER_THAT

...Column1 = 'MyFilter' IF_LIKE_NOT_TOO_MUCH_LIKE_EFFORT_FOR_YOU

AND THIS_FILTER_DOES_NOT_LIKE_CAUSE_YOU_ANXIETY

AND LIKE_RESOURCES_ARE_LIKE_AVAILABLE_TO_YOU_

       _TO_LIKE_HELP_YOU_LIKE_OVERCOME_YOUR_HELPLESSNESS

OR LIKE_UNDUE_STRESS_OR_LIKE_RELATED_LIKE_DISORDERS

OR LIKE_INTERRUPT_YOUR_TEXT_MESSAGING_SESSION

OR UPSET_YOUR_PETS

OR CAUSE_YOU_TO_LIKE_SPILL_LIKE_HOT_COFFEE_ON_YOUR_LIKE_CROTCH

OR RESULT_IN_ANY_FUTURE_STRESS_OR_OTHER_ILLNESS

OR RESULT_IN_LIKE_ANY_LIKE_PERSONAL_INJURY

OR INTERFERE_WITH_YOUR_TELEVISION-WATCHING_SCHEDULE

OR CAUSE_HARDSHIPS_IN_ANY_PERSONAL_RELATIONSHIPS

OR CAUSE_THE_ACLU_LIKE_RAISED_EYEBROWS

WOULD_YOU_LIKE_PLEASE_LIKE ORDER BY LIKE Column2

IF THIS_QUERY_DOES_NOT_LIKE_OFFEND_YOU_PERSONALLY

OR LIKE_RELIGIOUSLY

OR LIKE_POLITICALLY

OR LIKE_CAUSE_YOUR_MAKEUP_TO_LIKE_RUN

OR LIKE_CAUSE_YOU_TO_LIKE_MISS_NASCAR

OR LIKE_CAUSE_YOUR_MEDITATION_TO_BE_LIKE_INTERRUPTED

OR LIKE_UPSET_YOUR_PERSONAL_LIKE_ATTORNEY

OR LIKE_CAUSE_YOU_LIKE_FINANCIAL_LOSSES

OR LIKE_INTERRUPT_YOUR_LIKE_ONLINE_TRADING_DURING_LIKE_WORK_HOURS

OR LIKE_INCREASE_THE_RATE_OF_LIKE_GLOBAL_WARMING

OR DOES_NOT_LIKE_CAUSE_YOU_TO_LIKE_PURCHASE_A_CHINCHILLA_LIKE_FUR_COAT

OR LIKE_PISS_OFF_YOUR_BEST_FRIEND

OR LIKE_YOU_ARE_NOT_JUST_LIKE_OUTRIGHT_UPSET_BY_THIS_REQUEST